March 4th, 2023
According to NASA.gov, “During a full Moon, the Moon is opposite the Sun in the sky. That's why we can see the full face of the Moon reflecting sunlight. As the Earth rotates, the Moon rises just as the Sun sets, but just on that one day of the month. In the days before a full Moon, if you look in the eastern sky, you can find the almost full Moon rising before the sun sets. And the days after a full Moon, you can look in the western sky and find the Moon setting after the Sun has come up.”
Today was one of those days. Tomorrow is the full moon.
I live in what most people from my town would call the “bad part of town” I don’t know what side of the tracks we’re on because we are surrounded by them. Maybe that’s why I like it up here. Its the kind of neighbourhood where people talk to each other in the street but know when to mind their own damn business. My apartment is on the top floor of a second story building. It’s got great chequered floors in the kitchen, a pink bathtub, and original wood floors everywhere else. I’ve got a turquoise couch that sits 4 that we had to bring in through the balcony.There are windows in every room and in the morning my living room is flooded by the most magnificent light. Each season is exquisitely lit. The train literally flies through my backyard. My apartment is filled with art that I have collected my entire life. I’ve got piles and piles of books everywhere that I rummage through, move around, and read. Every painting, poster, figurine, and object has a story. I have surrounded myself with my life’s story. I am a maximalist on the outside and on the inside. Today,
I was standing on my four by four balcony contemplating. I was actually smoking a joint and a cigarette and that’s what got me contemplating. Oh and I was listening to music. So I was standing on my balcony, smoking a joint and a cigarette, listening to music and thinking. This week was really hard. I was just coming off a really fun night with some new friends. It was really fun. And then, loneliness set in. An unanswered text and my thoughts started spinning. I cried a lot. I took a half day off work because I was anxious. What have I done that nobody wants to witness my life? Somehow the algorithm gave me a lot of anxious attachment content and it helped.
On Friday I decided to shower and go to a St-Jean celebrations lancement. I didn’t fully know who was going to be there but suspected that certain people would be. When I arrived I got a hug and some warm hellos, I did the whole schmoozing hellos that, if I’m honest, I actually like to do. I got snuggles and a few inside jokes. I talked about Leonard Cohen. It was nice.
It ended up being an early night. I fell asleep pretty early. But when I woke up (at 5:30) I had a message from those new friends saying “hey, come hang out.” I got up, made coffee, read, listened to Leonard Cohen, made cinnamon rolls and shared my day on instagram. Another friend responded to a post and we ended up making plans to hang out. Later, I went vintage shopping with my sister who told me about her upcoming trip to Italy. Back home, I went to my four by four second story balcony in the bad neighbourhood, smoked a joint and a cigarette while listening to some music and started thinking. It was nice.
My mental health is not always great. It has definitely affected my life in significant ways. I have sabotaged myself because of it. But,
On those days when things are good. When spring is springing and kids are outside playing street hockey in t-shirts and I am standing on my balcony thinking I remember.
I remember that when life is hard it is hard but when life is good its extraordinary. Everything ordinary is elevated. Because I pay attention to detail, because I want to know everything about every curiosity I have. And, I have many. I like Leonard Cohen. I collected, then read and listened to everything he’s written and recorded and I did it in chronological order. And, just for fun, I also read his biography in parallel to his work. Someone ask me about Leonard Cohen please! I like pretty glasses. I collect glasses from the 50’s to the 90’s and make sure I have the right glass for a gin and tonic and the right mug for a Vietnamese coffee. I like music. I’m gonna collect vinyl but I will also spend hours creating playlists for my every mood, in a bunch of genres and through many eras. I even like country. I love to dance, especially in my living room. I read, in French and in English, poetry, essays and novels by people from all over the world and who identify in a multitude of ways. I like movies. I create festivals for myself - watched all Oscar, Best Picture nominated films I haven’t seen but have always wanted to, including a few I already really loved. Fifty seven in total and in chronological order. Next festival is Almodovar movies spanning his career. In, you guessed it, chronological order. Some might call this obsessive. I call it adventure.
When the moon’s out, I notice it. On the day when the air changes from summer to fall, I smell it. I often get glimpses of people’s small kindnesses. I love watching people dance in dark crowded rooms because I feel it is the essence of them that I see. I think the call of the loon is what the heavens sound like. I’m…
So yeah, when its bad its bad but when it good its really fucking good.