March 25th, 2023
I have so much doubt about who I am. I am struggling right now because I drank yesterday and today I am anxious and sad. I am replaying every word I said yesterday and I am questioning whether or not I was too much. Was I awkward? Did I make anybody feel uncomfortable? Was I embarrassing? Do people think I’m annoying? Do people pity me? Do they think I’m pathetic? Do I talk too much?
I invited people over yesterday and my apartment was a mess. The kitchen was a disaster with dirty dishes everywhere. I haven't vacuumed in 2 months. And then, did I have to give people a tour? Did I have to do a show and tell about the art on my walls and the books on my shelves? Did I talk to everyone equally? Did I give others space to talk?
I feel like I am just screaming LIKE ME! FIND ME INTERESTING! AM I GOOD ENOUGH?! VALIDATE ME!
I’ve been hanging out with some new people lately and on the one hand I feel like I can be much more myself around them. On the other hand I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and that they will decide that I’m too much.
One of them, just appeared out of knowhere. Smart, super chill, so interesting, curious, just the right amount of "I don't give a shit about rules", easy going. All the things I want to be. Scares the shit out of me. Enter fear of rejection.
They are all like that. Creative, gentle. I'm sarcastic and brash, insecure.
A lot of what therapy and books tell you about anxiety and depression and all those other things that linger in your mind and body is that you need to tell people about the way you feel. But when is it appropriate, with new people, to get into the “soo…I have anxiety and this causes me to…” talk?
Anxious attachment says that we share too much too soon. We are overly intimate with people too fast and that turns people off because it’s too much.
When I feel like this I want to send messages to people and say that I’m sorry for being this way. Sometimes I do and they inevitably say don’t worry you are totally fine and sometimes I believe them. But, most of the time I think they’re being polite and they’re really just rolling their eyes at my high maintenance.
A lot of the time I stop myself because who wants to be around someone that needs constant reassurance. That’s just too much.
I live in constant doubt that I am not worthy of friendship or love and I often sabotage myself.
I know and love a lot of intense, wild, colourful people who have incredible friendships and are in love but I have never really managed to maintain that in my own life. Shame and doubt are powerful and I am riddled with them. I wish it wasn’t so hard.